There were a lot of images and messaging about masculinity that Dustin Dunbar saw when he was growing up in the Midwest in the 1980s, eventually communicating that drinking alcohol was a large part of what would make him “a real man.”
“Popular culture, particularly Western movies, taught me to associate alcohol with manhood, even while I saw it turning my father into a domestic ab. From a young age, I was inundated with red-blooded country ideology,” he says. “The midwestern credo of American manhood says a guy like me should be able to take down a double shot of bourbon without flinching. You should love the burn and, as soon as you swallow it down, order another round. This culture told me that you have to drink to be a man — and not only drink, but knock back whiskey like it’s your God-given right. Well, this same God-given right also cost me and my family plenty.”
While he had vowed to never be like his father and grandfather in that way — drinking moderately for years, immersing himself in studying addiction, and earning a doctorate in psychology — he would eventually find himself addicted to alcohol, too. In his first book, “You’re Doing Great! (And Other Lies Alcohol Told Me),” he looks at how our culture encourages men to drink and offers advice for leaving alcohol behind.
Dunbar, 52, is a coach at wearetheafr.org, the website for The Alcohol-Free Revolution, a nonprofit offering online coaching and community to help people control alcohol. He lives in Solana Beach with his 9- and 10-year-old daughters, Tallulah and Milly, and has been alcohol-free for four years. He took some time to talk about his book and replacing alcohol’s lies with clearheaded truths.
Q: How did the idea for a book like this first come to you? And why was this something you wanted to pursue by writing about it?
A: The main reason I wrote this book is my daughters, Tallulah and Milly. Four years ago, I was contemplating writing my story. A quote came across my phone that said, “One day you will tell your story of how you overcame your addiction to alcohol, and it will become someone else’s survival guide.” I wrote that quote onto a piece of scrap paper on my desk. The next day, I looked at the paper, and underneath my handwriting was a note from my 6-year-old daughter that read, “whoevr rote this tank you I love u.” It was the first note she ever wrote to me. I picked it up, read it, and said to myself, “Ahh, crap. Now I have to write a book.”
Q: How did you go about dismantling the idea that drinking alcohol was part of bolstering one’s masculinity? What has that process looked like for you?
A: In “The Art of War,” Sun Tzu advises knowing your enemy. I’ve delved into addiction research for four years, studying experts, theories, and cultural s of alcohol. I’ve undergone extensive therapy and I attended a love addiction program based on the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, despite it not resonating with me at all for alcohol addiction. Becoming alcohol free is not a competition, so I advocate for trying different approaches to see what feels best.
What I love about Solana Beach…
Solana Beach has a small community feel. The parents know one another and there are a ton of safe and fun social activities for our kids. It still has that laid back 1970s California surfer vibe that I hope remains forever.
Q: The book addresses the lies that alcohol tells; what were some of the most compelling lies that alcohol told you?
A: Drink me, your life will have less pain. Drink me, you will have more friends, more fun, more sex. Drink me, you will be funnier. Drink me, people will like you more.
Q: What eventually helped you see those for the untruths that they really were?
A: Annie Grace’s book, “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life,” jolted me out of my alcohol addiction slumber. The truth is, alcohol is ethanol, the exact same substance with a different name. It’s something no one should consume, especially on any kind of a consistent basis as it only leads to mental and physical illness with zero benefits except temporarily deadening pain, which then comes back tenfold when we suppress it instead of facing it and healing it in a healthy way.
Q: Are there new sentiments/thoughts that you’ve replaced those former lies with?
A: Yes. For the lie that “you’re the problem, not alcohol,” the truth is that I’m not defective or incurable. For the lie of “one drink won’t kill you,” the truth is that not drinking improved my physical, mental, spiritual, and financial well-being. For the lie that “alcohol washes away the pain,” the truth is that I can deal with my pain and trauma with clear eyes and a clear head. Alcohol doesn’t take the edge off; alcohol is the edge. The lie is that “you’re not really a man if you don’t drink,” but the truth is that I don’t have to prove my worth.
Q: You’re currently a coach with wearetheafr.org, The Alcohol-Free Revolution, a nonprofit, online community helping others with alcohol addiction. First, what does an alcohol-free revolution look like? What does it entail and why do we need one?
A: Consciousness is everything. The Alcohol-Free Revolution is awakening individuals from the “alcohol matrix,” the collective illusion that alcohol benefits us. It is spearheading a world where people see alcoholic drinks as we now see cigarettes: once perceived as cool and fun, now understood as addictive, toxic, and cancer-causing. Just like tobacco, alcohol has been a Group 1 carcinogen since 1989, causing at least seven types of cancer [according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer]. “Big Alcohol,” much like “Big Tobacco,” has successfully obscured the truth about alcohol through extensive brainwashing and the alcohol-free revolution is here to put an end to that with lobbying to lawmakers to make alcohol advertising illegal, just like we have with tobacco.
Q: For people reading this who may want to go alcohol free, what are some initial tips/advice you would offer? What are some things that really helped you when you started out?
A: The key is being able to be vulnerable in a safe and ive community. Not finding one that resonated with me, led me to create the Alcohol-Free Revolution, where like-minded individuals unite under the tagline “You will never walk alone.” Researching alcohol early on helped me see through alcohol ads, recognizing the destructive nature. Repetition and reinforcement through reading and mantra-like repetition of facts were vital. Exercise and meditation became allies in restoring my body and mind after years of strain. Visualizing myself at parties enjoying alcohol-free drinks proved to be a helpful strategy before attending social events.
Q: When you think back, what are you most proud of about the version of yourself that you are today? What are you enjoying about sober Dustin?
A: The alcohol-free version of myself today takes pride in heightened consciousness after shedding the numbing effects of alcohol. Facing myself honestly, I uncovered what Carl Jung referred to as the 99 percent pure gold within the shadow. Working through childhood and adult abandonment fears has brought a childlike joy, reminiscent of what Jesus [Christ] spoke about to enter the kingdom of heaven. It’s intriguing that children, who embody this joyful state, do not drink alcohol.
Q: What is the best advice you’ve ever received?
A: Socrates’ wisdom, “All I know is I know nothing,” has kept me humble and freed me from overthinking. Since removing alcohol, I’ve found safety and contentment within the eternal present moment of the universe, a feeling I value above all else.
Q: What is one thing people would be surprised to find out about you?
A: I was among the first digital nomads, living in six different exotic locations for a year each after the 2008 market crash. It was an adventurous time, although the Wi-Fi back then was terrible!
Q: Describe your ideal San Diego weekend.
A: I’d start with meditation, followed by hot yoga and quality time with my daughters and dog. Then, I’d a free high consciousness training call with our organization and enjoy some laughs at how unconscious and brainwashed we used to be, paying a ton of money for and drinking ethanol. I am currently single, so in the evening I would hope to have a fun date and share some vegetarian cuisine, accompanied by craft mocktails or alcohol-free beers before attending a Padres, Loyal, or Wave game.
