On a recent episode of the popular quiz show “Jeopardy!”, contestants were challenged to identify plural nouns that don’t end with the letter “s.” When asked to provide the plural of the singular noun moose, San Diego contestant Jack Weller, shot back, meese.
The correct answer is moose — one moose, two moose — but the audience and the twitterverse loved Weller’s answer meese. After all, if the plural of goose is geese, shouldn’t the plural of moose be meese? And while we’re at it, if the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth? And if the plural of index is indices, shouldn’t the plural of Kleenex be Kleenices?
Jack Weller’s verbal pratfall inspires me to tell you a story: A pair of animals died at a small zoo. The owner wrote to the animal-supply company to order replacements — “Dear Company: Please send me two mongooses,” and then grew nervous that mongooses was not the correct plural form. So he composed a second draft — “Dear Company: Please send me two mongeese,” and then fretted that mongeese was not the correct plural form either. Finally, he sent this request: “Dear Company: Please send me a mongoose, and, while you’re at it, please send me another mongoose.” Turns out that mongooses is the proper plural because mongoose is Hindi and is thus made plural in the regular way. In fact, only seven common nouns, all of which go back to Old English, become plural by changing a vowel in their middle. Three are animals — goose-geese, mouse-mice, and louse-lice; two are parts of the body — tooth-teeth and foot-feet; and two are people — man-men and woman-women.
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The world recently celebrated the centennial of what many consider to be the greatest archeological find in history. That, of course, is the opulently furnished and astonishingly preserved tomb of the ancient Egyptian ruler Tutankhamun, popularly known as King Tut. Here’s my lame limerick to acknowledge the occasion:
A talented mummy from Ammon
Said, “I make my dad proud and my mom, and
Though a young whippersnapper,
I’m the world’s greatest wrapper.
I play trumpet, and I Toot Uncommon!”
During a feature on the boy king, a recent CBS segment ran the caption “Famous Pharoah,” thus misspelling the word Pharaoh.
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Groucho Marx once wrote to a novelist, “From the moment I received your book, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.” Authors are especially adept at skewering other authors:
Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac’s work: “That’s not writing! That’s typing!”
Mary McCarthy on Lillian Hellman: “Every word she writes is a lie, including and and the.”
Ruth Rendell on Agatha Christie: “To say that Agatha Christie’s characters are cardboard cut-outs is an insult to cardboard cut-outs.”
William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway: “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner: “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
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Here’s my busy schedule of public shows. I’d love to meet you at one of them.
On Dec. 5 at 7:30 p.m., I’ll be offering a benefit performance of “Fun With Grammar” for my neighborhood playhouse, Scripps Ranch Theatre; 9783 Avenue of Nations, off Pomerado Road. ission is $20. Please check out the website, scrippsranchtheatre.org, or call (858) 395-0573.
My other appearances are free of charge; just show up:
- Nov. 30 at 1 p.m., “Language & Laughter” at Scripps Miramar Ranch Library
- Dec. 3 at 2 p.m., “Fun With Grammar” at La Mesa Library
- Dec. 6 at 10 a.m., “A Treasury of Christmas Humor” at Rancho Santa Fe Senior Center
- Dec. 9 at 11 a.m., “Fun With Grammar” at Coronado Public Library
- Dec. 10, 10 a.m.-3:30 p.m., Gifts Galore Books & More at Oceanside Public Library
Please send your questions and comments about language to [email protected]; website: www.verbivore.com.
